Monday, December 24, 2007

The 12 days BEFORE Christmas

I won't parody the song, but I'd like to go over the madness that occurs in our house to pull of that magical children's carnage known as Christmas. I have my Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt that I try to wear at least twice in December...because at least twice that many days in December...are.

Crawling through the attic on hands and knees, I actually asked for carpenters kneepads for next year. Three pieces of the artificial tree, two boxes of lights, two boxes of decorations and a whole buncha outdoor stuff that I REFUSED to set up this year. We had a security guard watching the attic stairs so no wandering eyes should appear (because guess what ELSE is lurking up there for Xmas?) or to prevent the daredevil Grace deciding to jump from the third or forth step.
Finding the time, location and privacy to accomplish the 'covering of the festival centerpieces' is also a challenge. Note that because of the belief of certain rotund annual nocturnal aviators, we must converse in the most erudite fashion possible. Note that those with younger children who try this... be warned, it's like speaking pig-latin, they catch on... our oldest now has quite a vocabulary! Anyway, we have it down to two sessions now, one when they were all in school and, hopefully Xmas Eve day when I take the two most aware and believing of the I have to find a place for Jason and Liv to go while Aly watches Grace and Lin uses her skills to finish the job.
Linda has this THING about keeping it financially even between the five somewhat. She even makes attempts at quantity and godhelpus, VOLUME. Think video games and you'll know why the cubic foot parity is an impossibility.
The culmination, the crescendo of this gift symphony is Xmas Eve. OK first, lets get the DYFS (NJ Child Abuse admin for those out of state) business out of the way...we DO drug our children on Christmas Eve. Double dose of melatonin or some Benedryl and they ain't even gonna remember the sugar plums dancing in their heads! In our defense, they are soooo hopped up on adrenaline that this just helps them to fall asleep before 2 am.

And now a holiday treat...A Visit From Saint Amabilis (who I found is the patron saint to prevent mental illness!)

Twas the night before Xmas and all round the house,
Lin and I are both lurking as quiet as a mouse.
The stockings and tree are in an inopportune spot,
we go from attic to basement hoping not to get caught.
Imagine 10 gifts times 5, you get the impression,
but to live the whole evening is beyond comprehension.
Since the path to the tree goes right past the boys room,
to pass them 99 times would surely spell doom
So 'round about the house the pair of us trek
From attic, to bedroom, out front door to back deck
The parcels are piled out by sliding doors of glass
And now comes the greatest pain in the neck
The door must be opened and the parcels on the ground,
must magically go under the tree sans a sound.
So here are the pair of us like burglars under cover
Waiting for a child to wake up and discover
But so far in 12 years we have ne'er been caught
In truth now 40% of our kids' silence has been bought.

We'll get through the presents, on to the stockings with care
Which'll be so laden, they'll not hang, they'll just lay there
Once we are done, complete and in bed,
we don't feel like parents, but two kids instead.
Because once again and for just two mortals mear,
We've pulled off the magic for yet one more year.
And you'll hear me exclaim as I turn out the light,
Merry Christmas to all, let them sleep through the night!

NEXT: The Biblical Christmas Wrapping Paper Flood...

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