On May 5th of last year my mother died. She left her legacy though: 7 kids and lots and lots of grandkids. One of my frequent questions to her when I was an adult was "How did you do it?". We've never gotten a straight answer from neither her nor dad, but I think I'm now learning why. Having 5 myself, including two on the autistic spectrum, my wife and I have learned that it ain't easy.
My mom was a whip. She could rattle off names, dates, to do's, whens, whys, whos and hows. The house I grew up in never seemed to be lacking, even if you had to be quick to get whatever was around to get! 18 hands could pick through a package of Oreos in a nanosecond! Laundry was always done (except, where did she hide the dirty stuff, I have a laundry room FULL of dirty clothes!). While my house was never the Brady Bunch, I felt we ran a not to distant second. But mom was always the hub; keeping the place running with the efficiency of well run small business. My dad just made the money and stayed out of the way of the dynamo!
We lost my mom to senile dementia after many years of a slow downhill march. I always will hate the fact that she had lost that ability to keep it all together in her head over all those years, only to have that talent and everything else that was precious to her slowly get picked away by this degenerative disease. She probably felt the same way about her mother, who lost HER faculties in much the same way as my mother. Genetics ties each to the next generation; I am convinced that genetics for autism and Alzheimer's will be found to be similar, or at least both will be found to have similar susceptibilities.
Anyway, I meant this post for my wife. While I'm not quite the laissez faire-type person my dad was when it comes to the day to day affairs of the house (thanks, woman's lib!), I still am marvelled by the similar fervor at which the house hums along. It's amazing what my wife Linda gets into a day. While I go through my paces at work, she gets 4 kids off to school, has 3 different home therapists to contend with; 3 different outside therapy locations. She has her own therapies she does with the girls; biomedical research; supplement 'mixings'; those 'little' incidentals like homework and meals (the girls are on a GF/CF diet as well). We share the duties of laundry and dishes; diapers and bedtimes. By the time I get home after being away for twelve-odd hours, the average response is "I'm whipped!". But still there are bills to pay; backpacks to pack; things to research; paperwork for schools, state, doctors. I'm usually in bed a half to an hour before her.
It's so absolutely impossible to get personal in this type of pressure cooker environment. We barely get those 5 minute conversations that last 3 hours in about what we need to talk about; there is almost no 'us' time. It's no wonder there is an 80% divorce rate among parents of autistics. Most couples don't get the 5 years of childless getting to know you; then wind up with an autistic child and no real 'communication base' to work from. Thank God we have a strong foundation!
I do indeed see now what my mother went through and what my wife is going through. And why, when we are asked in our old age, "how we did it", we will just smile (grimace), shake our heads and say "I don't know". I honestly don't know how we do it, and I certainly don't know how she does it.
Anyway, I have a card already, babe. But I wanted you to know that I marvel at all you do for all these kids (kids include me sometimes!). There is no one I'd rather be with, nor could possibly go through this with other than you, Lin. You're the best thing to happen to me, them, and all of us. Nobody does it half as good as you, baby your the best! Happy Mother's Day, Bill
My mom was a whip. She could rattle off names, dates, to do's, whens, whys, whos and hows. The house I grew up in never seemed to be lacking, even if you had to be quick to get whatever was around to get! 18 hands could pick through a package of Oreos in a nanosecond! Laundry was always done (except, where did she hide the dirty stuff, I have a laundry room FULL of dirty clothes!). While my house was never the Brady Bunch, I felt we ran a not to distant second. But mom was always the hub; keeping the place running with the efficiency of well run small business. My dad just made the money and stayed out of the way of the dynamo!
We lost my mom to senile dementia after many years of a slow downhill march. I always will hate the fact that she had lost that ability to keep it all together in her head over all those years, only to have that talent and everything else that was precious to her slowly get picked away by this degenerative disease. She probably felt the same way about her mother, who lost HER faculties in much the same way as my mother. Genetics ties each to the next generation; I am convinced that genetics for autism and Alzheimer's will be found to be similar, or at least both will be found to have similar susceptibilities.
Anyway, I meant this post for my wife. While I'm not quite the laissez faire-type person my dad was when it comes to the day to day affairs of the house (thanks, woman's lib!), I still am marvelled by the similar fervor at which the house hums along. It's amazing what my wife Linda gets into a day. While I go through my paces at work, she gets 4 kids off to school, has 3 different home therapists to contend with; 3 different outside therapy locations. She has her own therapies she does with the girls; biomedical research; supplement 'mixings'; those 'little' incidentals like homework and meals (the girls are on a GF/CF diet as well). We share the duties of laundry and dishes; diapers and bedtimes. By the time I get home after being away for twelve-odd hours, the average response is "I'm whipped!". But still there are bills to pay; backpacks to pack; things to research; paperwork for schools, state, doctors. I'm usually in bed a half to an hour before her.
It's so absolutely impossible to get personal in this type of pressure cooker environment. We barely get those 5 minute conversations that last 3 hours in about what we need to talk about; there is almost no 'us' time. It's no wonder there is an 80% divorce rate among parents of autistics. Most couples don't get the 5 years of childless getting to know you; then wind up with an autistic child and no real 'communication base' to work from. Thank God we have a strong foundation!
I do indeed see now what my mother went through and what my wife is going through. And why, when we are asked in our old age, "how we did it", we will just smile (grimace), shake our heads and say "I don't know". I honestly don't know how we do it, and I certainly don't know how she does it.
Anyway, I have a card already, babe. But I wanted you to know that I marvel at all you do for all these kids (kids include me sometimes!). There is no one I'd rather be with, nor could possibly go through this with other than you, Lin. You're the best thing to happen to me, them, and all of us. Nobody does it half as good as you, baby your the best! Happy Mother's Day, Bill
