Saturday, March 17, 2007

Mating Habits of Household Inanimate Objects

I bet you were aware of this phenomenon without actually thinking about it. It has recently been discovered that ordinary household items have the ability to procreate. Research is ongoing as to the nature of reproduction, but evidence is mounting of these reproductive qualities being legitimate and posing a real threat to households across the globe. Being in a house of 7 plus other living creatures, I find I see this phenomenon at a faster pace than other households. Here are some examples to look out for:

  • Dishes, cups, bowls, forks, knives always seem to procreate, they will spontaneously generate at the sound of the dishwasher running. Dirty dishes are the only variety that regenerate; clean ones are an endangered species. They are a stealthy bunch and always resurface exactly half way through the load. Use of paper products will lessen the infestation, but may lead to the scourge of excess garbage.
  • Laundry is the fastest breeder, by far; it moves like dandelions on time lapse photography. It can be seen spreading outward from hampers and upward and outward in laundry rooms. It is only the dirty variety that is fertile, as with the dishes, the clean variety is on the endangered species list. Socks reproduce, but curiously their offspring have little resemblance to the parents and they normally have only one child. Only remedy for these is lack of proper hygiene and subsequent loss of friends
  • Fast food toys or as I like to call them "seconds upon seconds of playing enjoyment" . These can be controlled with proper diet.
  • I've noticed lately that stuffed animals appear to be spontaneously generating. As we all know though, science has disproven this theory, it has now been discovered that Beanie Babies bring their own special eggs and fertilize other unsuspecting sewn creatures. These are overrunning my daughter's room and are beginning to get a foothold in my sons' room as well. if anyone knows a good exterminator in NJ, drop me a line

I'm sure research will uncover other hazards in this area, if you have any sightings, contact the Center for Dust Control (CDC). I am off to write my thesis on another area of household theory, Physics of Children and Households. Some topics I am working on:

  • Magnetic Attraction of a child to the phone at the ear of a parent. May simply be an attraction to anything busy.
  • Law of Spills occurring during moments when time is at a premium. Close correlation to bowel movements of toddlers and proximity to time needed to leave for school.
  • Volume of parent's voice in inverse relation to the relative ease and desirability of the task. Wives claim this continues into husbands as well.

1 comment:

Junior said...

You're funny!!! (I mean that as a compliment.)